journal!

sssh... its a secret

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 21:24:59 GMT

here's to the folks who never gets laid cuz they had one-too-many sexcapades, and here's to the girls who think they're in love or somethin cuz their so fucken horny that a poison apple looks like a freshly-baked muffin. here's to me going to hell because i read in a magazine the other day that the majority of couples split sometime between the holidays and valentines and the first thing i thought was "well... THATS exciting news!" and here's to the fattest, most selfish, obnoxious, socially awkward kid having a fat crush on me and making me feel guilty because i'm not attracted to him. here's to missing my disgusting and possibly mildly retarded, possesive xbf because i'm sooo lonely and i want male company like crazy. here's to the three fake-gay-boys i love and miss (some more than others) with their stupid girlfriends/ james francos (but i hope he at least gets me his autograph). here's to not being able to focus on the work i should be doing cuz i keep thinking about sex. he said it's different with guys because it feels like you have to pee, but all the time, and if you don't satisfy the urge, you will go crazy. pshah. not so different, after all. fml.

troubles

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 03:51:17 GMT

so let's all get drunk, love, cuz where are they now? they're droppin' like flies, like, dead in the ground, like off in the air, like bringin' me down, seems they're not even there when they're still around...
oh, i probably fucked myself. i think i have some obsessive personality defect that usually lies dormant but can at times serve to drive me crazy and fuck my life, liiiike, right there in the butt.
ugghh all my posts on this thing are so vague and emooooo. i shouldn't be that way.
well here is what i am talking about:
- i'm not close with either of my closest (aka only) friends right now. one of them, she lives with me and shes really depressed because [see point 2] and i have no idea how to help her feel better, especially since i've been feeling pretty shitty myself. the other one, well, she moved away and she only calls me when she wants to speak to her sister. i'm glad they're so close but it still makes me sad.
- my friend died. on august 19, 2009. in a car accident. we weren't that close but i remember in the beginning of last year we all used to hang out constantly and we were all like sisters. she was always very supportive even though i often acted like a jealous little hag. we went to her funeral and her pants are in my closet. i'm not sure what to do with them but it's freaking me out. i can't go in there anymore. angela said she will never get over it and it scares me and the worst feeling in the world is to see your friend cry and not be able to do anything, except start crying yourself. fuck the guy who drove drunk. he's still alive, but his life is over. fuck him.
-aprapos (how the fuck do you spell that word, anyway?) of nothing, except for that its driving me fucking insane and making everything worse, well see, there was this guy. he was like eleven years older than i, and divorced. i met him on april fools day, and i could swear to god he was the man of my dreams because we were exactly the same. ugh. so silly. knowing him drove me to break up with my grimy ex, which i should have done back in december, anyway. he turned out to have a girlfriend, but he would always send me these weird dirty text messages, and one night he told me to meet him in the park at midnight, and he tried to kiss me but i thought it would be a bad idea so we just talked for a really long time and i told him all my secrets and i saw him one time after that, almost exactly a month ago, and i thought he was going to be my new best friend but now he ignores me and i don't for the life of me know why, but it's bumming me out, man, because i don't know who else i can talk to about my stupid life, and who else better to understand.

fuck septembers forever. i can fake it but it just makes me feel shittier. the best things are that an old farmer with a twirly mustache who eats at my workplace gave me a bag of home-grown tomatoes today. and i've been reading some really good books. but gee, whiz, what a life.

lets go lets go...

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 02:52:09 GMT

i swear to jon, i'm moving to new york.
i have nothing left here
except a fucking bottle of whiskey
and it's about to be all gone.
why am i letting things get to me?
idk.
:(

the exhilerating scent of cow poop at night time...

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Sat, 02 May 2009 14:31:52 GMT

my car is getting fixed on tuesday bitches yesyesyesyes! fabulous. :)

I think I broke my brain

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 01:12:31 GMT

AAAAH TAXES AAAAH I DON'T GET IT AAAAAAAAH HELP I DON'T UNDERSTAND AAAAAAAAH MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY

in other news... nothing. tax forms are owning me so hard i'm going to drink tequila by myself instead :(

the madness

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 21:51:58 GMT

this year, in brief:
smoked a lot of weed
lost my virginity (lol tmi?)
fell head over heels for several very wrong people
lost hella braincells popping e pills
did some very stupid things (8 in '08?)
laughed a lot
got in trouble with the law
learned to cope with a lot of shit
became responsible
grew the fuck up

what i hope to accomplish next year:
get in school (for real for real this time!)
get a car
get my own place (or with a roomate)
become self-reliant (seriously)

merry christmas loves! smile!
(haha, loves? no one fucking reads this)

That explains everything

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 01:49:28 GMT

advice for the day: if you ever wrote down anything about your life, save it. you could learn something from it later.

so i'm in the market for a new best friend. paris hilton?

Remember:

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:25:49 GMT

you can't replace love with something you wish were so.

Waiting

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:35:14 GMT

I am waiting for a certain friend I have to get off of a certain class that she was sanctioned to take by the court system. so here are some things, because i haven't written anything anywhere in a very long time.

a) I met the coolest homeless drunk person at he bus stop yesterday. Very entertaining. I gave him my doobie :)
b) Therapy - my parents' therapist insisted that I needed it and for such a long time I was afraid that she was right. But then I met someone. He said he wanted to be like my therapist but the thing was that the first night we seen eachother again (because in point of fact I've actually met him before) something happened between us and then I got so nervous around him that I started acting quite not-myself... and I guess it was jealousy or just confusion but either way, he didn't like the way that I was acting, so he treated me like shit. And when I finally stood up for myself, he treated me even worse. So I was really depressed. But then something wonderful happened. I just let. it. go. And I felt so much better. And I learned that you can't be so affected by people's opions to the point where they tear you down inside and turn you into just the person they think you are. So while we are kind of enemies, I love that guy because he was the best therapist I've ever had. And I didn't even have to pay!
c) There is this Hmong guy on my nuts. But I let him know - we are smoking buddies ONLY!
d) My best friend is a import model. STEPHANIE PHAN... MAKE HER FAMOUS!!!
e) There is this really chubby guy who I find inexplicably hot, but alas, I don't think I will ever see his gorgeous fat face again :(

Unforunately I have a pretty boring life so there is not much to say. I turned nineteen about tw weeks ago. Sees like a pretty cool age, and shit.

And I heard 'em say

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 12:04:09 GMT

hella shit, like the only way i can be a good friend is to endorse drinking and going crazy
like that i can't keep my hormones under control so they say words like, "slut," and "whore"
like i'm going to lose everything i hold dear if i don't get therapy right quick
like that they care for me when all they after is some pussy
like i can't handle myself at all
but then
i heard them say that they love me, regaurdless
assure me they don't hate me no matter what
and to hug me and stop me from crying when we fought with fists not two minutes before
because we know we will always be best friends, and sisters
and it's difficult
but
i have confidence
that we will all see better days
and i'm sorry for everything i've done wrong
but the only way to fix yourself is to live through the worst
and i've hit rock bottom about five times this year
but i keep bouncing back and i know we all do
and i know i frustrate you sometimes
but when we cry when we see eachother cry
that's something that nothing and no one will ever come between
i love you
more than they could say

Change

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 22:37:23 GMT

I have three jars of pennies, nickles and dimes. That's about $64.90. To last 3 people, 10 days.

Sometimes I have the urge to be a hooker.

Honey you should know

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 21:26:44 GMT

that I could never go on without you...

Man, Kam Sung can SUCK MY DICK. I want my best friend back.

PS I heard a song about the Vo family the other day. Quite literally highlight of my LIFE :D

I'm bad news

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:25:45 GMT

Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes. i feel like... it is the story of my life, at least last month, or even what? two weeks ago. it reminds me of how i act with certain people. like say, on picnick benches, at the berkeley marina?

oops, that slipped. i wish i were daisy...

FUCK GIRLS NAMED DAISY

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Sat, 17 May 2008 14:58:11 GMT

...and marisa, even if she is my friend's girl. I can't type so good cuz I'm drunkers but here's my night in brioef:
1) Tore a bitch's shirt and tried to fight a guy..........HOW ARE YOU CALLING MY BEST FRIEND A BOTCH WHEN SHE'S STANDING YP FOR HER BELIEFS???? and fuck moooooolia how are you calling my little sister fat when you a huuuge bitch/cautionary whale?! FUCK YOU! why are you trynna step up to her for no reason, and as for justin... if you try to talk shit about m
2) Cried my eyes out because someone i really care for is not trynna talk to me anymore just because he's back with his ex... this is an issue because
a) i'm just trynna talk to you as friends because i love you to death and back and
b) i don't want to see him with that bitch... seriously date anyone else. i endorse him with arlene, even, just because she is an insane crackhead, he deserves so much better i swear to god, even steph n derrick is the perfect relationship compared to this bitch DAISY (also the name of the BITCH who stole brad from steph... that whore!) because who the fuuuuuck brakes into your fuckin house and gets on fuckin crack on your BIRTHDAY, okay? that is not a good girl. i would be so much better for him. FUCK IT any girl would be so much better for him and it like, hurts me not just because i'm like in love with him but because he is my friend and i don't want to see him settle for less... he is a great guy and a fuckin crackhead don't deserve a man like him

Depressed-fest

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Thu, 08 May 2008 04:43:49 GMT

Everyone hates me today. Maybe once midnight hits the situation will fix itself. Doubt it.

BF v BFF... guess who wins

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:56:36 GMT

Why April 2008 sucked gargantuan gorilla balls...
1) I have been replaced. By Derrick. I mean, he's a cool guy and everything but I just don't wan to see my best friend get hurt, emotionally or physically. Plus Angela is like my de facto best friend now. Love her to death, but it's a little weird because she is sixteen and it's also kind of bad because we start smoking like alotalot.
2) The only guys I curently talk to are Rich, Brett and Esteban. And I don't even mean "talk to" as in "interested in," I mean "talk to" as in actually literally the only males I converse with.
3) The Vallejo thing. AKA the last time I talked to guys who weren't my coworkers. Ewww!
4) I'm so broke I actually volunteered to get rehired at CuppaTea. I've been having nightmares about Lee ever since I started working there again.

So here's hoping that May is an improvement. But honestly, when is the last time anything named May (Mei?) ever did anything good? Which brings us to:
Extra credit) I'm still not over the Lou thing. Not one little bit. :(

It wasn't me

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:09:03 GMT

It wasn’t me. I wasn’t there. And here’s how I know:
No one who really matters/would know will acknowledge that it was, in fact me. Thus. I can only postulate that I totally made it up. It was someone else. Perhaps Arlene.

PS someone explain to me why my boss asked me if i was preggers? i was offended.

i would walk a thousand miles, if i could just see you, tonight.

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 07:18:32 GMT

i wish i could play the piano so i could write beautiful music that makes people cry. i would get back at vanessa carlton so hard for that one. actually i'm not sure it's really her fault, lots of things make me cry. really weird things, too, like hats and smoking weed.
do you think it's patheic to be unhappy in every area of life just because something not-that-significant is upsetting you? for like, four, five months? i do.

Resolutions

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 22:27:25 GMT

I totally hardcore accomplished all of my resolutions for this year. SCORE.
But anyway, next year, I resolve to...
1) Own a car
2) Be more active
3) Do things, still
4) Make something of myself

Happy new year :)

Kings and queens

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 06:26:58 GMT

Epiphanyfest:
If Simon Stahl is the king of boys who broke my heart
Then I am the queen of being messed with
BUT
I think
I like it.
And that's why I always go for the dudes who are all talk
no action.

But oh well.

Poetry timmmeeeee!

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 14:43:15 GMT

Because I am a nerd(fighter) and have nothin' better to do. Tadaaaa.

Pimp

Hey li’l pimp

Think you alla that

The way you carry youself

The way you wear your hat

Keeping a guard on your affection

Girls left and right fearing your rejection

So they out in the streets

Makin' you money

Hopin just once they get a “sugar” or a “honey”

Instead they get, bitch

Don’t even flinch

Keep goin' out and makin' you rich

If that’s how you want it

Fine by me

She can lower herself all she want, but see

I’m not like that and I never will be

I just sit over here and pray for girls like that

Hopin' she learn better once she lose her baby fat

Maybe a little stuck

But never betray my luck

By sittin' out there trynna make you a buck

Hope she learn better and you do too

Pimpin ain't easy, I suppose that’s true

Working ain't easy either but you shouldn’t be scared

Of what perspective employers might think of you

Shouldn’t act like you don’t give a shit if it ain't true

Could work for guys named Michael, Steve or Bob

Could quit that shady shit and just get a job

Paycheck to paycheck, help out your momma

And just quit it with all this drama

So I’m over here hopin' you learn from mistakes

Just follow the twist and turns life takes

Don’t gotta spend your morning like wake and bake

Then out on the streets actin' all fake

To impress the people who don’t even care

An attitude like that ain't rare

But someone like you, is rare

So why don’t you share

Yourself and the burden you bare

Hey li’l pimp

Think you alla that

But you ain't from the way you act

Get that act together and you'll be just fine

Say you don’t need advice but you should take mine

Its time to get your ass in line

Don’t wanna stay up late and pine

About that guy that I thought I knew

You know, that one,

You.

Why do the good girls

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 22:29:32 GMT

always fall for the bad boys? Another large problem is that someee good girls are really bad at just lettin' it go. And that they refuse to believe that anything can hold them down in achieving what they want. I fought the law, and the law won! ...Or did it?

I really hate being a "hopeless romantic."

I need

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 01:08:20 GMT

someone to drive me to the airport! Or I am like, you know, fucked. :P

YESSSSSSS

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 22:54:29 GMT

ONE MORE WEEK OF HELL! THEN I'M OUT OF HERE MOTHAFUCKAH!
Hahaha I'm just a little ridiculous. It's cool :)

College, in summation...

makesthescene@hotmail.com — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 17:24:24 GMT

I miss Stephanie. I really would like to go home now. K thanks.